


Those Left  Behind by babs

by babs



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-23
Updated: 2011-04-23
Packaged: 2017-10-18 13:30:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/189373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babs/pseuds/babs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story of milestones missed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Those Left  Behind by babs

"Daniel?"

Sam's whisper pulled Daniel's attention away from his study of the writing on the temple wall. He turned to look at her. "Sam?"

Stepping closer to Daniel's side, Sam kept her voice low. "Does something seem off with the colonel?"

"With Jack?" He put a hand on her shoulder, turning her so that they were both facing the wall. If he moved his head a fraction of an inch to the left he could see Jack pacing the perimeter of the walls. "You mean since we came on this mission?"

Sam reached up and pointed to one of the glyphs. "This mission, the last two missions, on base."

Daniel nodded. "Yeah." He drew her even closer. "But it's not affecting our missions." He was relieved to see Sam nod her agreement. It was certainly affecting his sex life, but that was something he wasn't going to share with her. "Maybe he's just..."

"Depressed," Sam finished. "It seems like he's depressed, in some kind of funk he can't pull himself out of."

"Sam," Daniel put a hand on her wrist, "look, don't say anything to Janet about this. Not yet."

She looked at him, her eyes widening a moment before she gave a quick short nod. "I won't...yet. But Daniel, if this starts to affect his performance..."

"Sam, if it starts to affect Jack's performance of his duties, I'll tell Janet our concerns myself."

"Okay," Sam agreed, stepping back and resuming her study of a small soil sample she held in a bottle.

Daniel sighed as he turned his attention back to the glyphs. Not much of import here; praise of some ancient king's deeds, not a hint of a Goa'uld presence for thousands of years. Any other time Daniel would have found the glyphs fascinating and begged for more time on the mission, but this time Jack was looking decidedly tired despite Janet's okay for him to come on the mission. Daniel hadn't a clue what was going on with his partner. Looking back it simply seemed that over the past month Jack had become more withdrawn, quieter, his sarcasm and smart alecky remarks only coming out on rare occasions. The few attempts Daniel had made to get to the bottom of it had been met with rebuffs and denials, which he'd been willing to accept before. But Daniel, unlike Jack, wasn't necessarily a patient man. He wanted an answer and he wanted it now. He turned off the camera.

"Jack, I'm done here."

"Done?" Jack looked at him, raising his eyebrows over the rims of his sunglasses. "You sure? You don't want to beg for a two week stay here?"

"No." Daniel could be succinct if necessary. "Well, I mean, yes, I'm done. No, no begging."

Any other time that last comment would have brought a devilish grin to Jack's lips, but this time it only warranted a, "Carter, Teal'c, we're packing it up."

Daniel caught Sam's glance as they prepared to leave. 'Don't worry,' he hoped his expression conveyed even though his own concern was escalating by the moment.

****

"Jack?" Daniel called from the kitchen. "You want another beer? More pizza?"

"Nah, I'm good."

"Uh huh, sure you are," Daniel muttered as he looked at the last two lonely slices of pizza in the box. And when was the last time Jack had turned down a beer? Daniel grabbed a plate and put the two slices on it before sticking them in the fridge. He put the box on top of the trash can before filling two mugs with coffee.

Like one of the ancient languages he often deciphered, his partner's behavior was becoming an intriguing puzzle and Daniel's curiosity was increasing while Jack's behavior became more closed off.

"Coffee," Daniel said, holding out the mug to Jack who was watching a show on police chases.

"Thanks." Jack took it without looking at Daniel and sat there holding it without moving.

Okay, this was bordering on the absurd. Daniel took a fortifying gulp of coffee and then placed his mug on the coffee table. "Jack."

"Yeah?" The flat voice and no eye contact was not a good sign.

"Um, you mind...uh," Daniel grabbed his mug again and took another sip. This wasn't going the way he planned. He and Jack didn't do the whole talking thing easily--not when it came to matters of the heart.

Jack put his head back on the sofa and rubbed his forehead. "You mind if I go to bed?"

Daniel shook his head. Well his idea of forcing Jack to tell him what was going on had just been shot to hell. Jack did look tired and he was squinting slightly in the way that meant he had a headache. "Your last physical was okay, wasn't it? You aren't sick, are you?" His worry and concern came out in a babbled rush.

"I'm healthy as a horse or so Doc tells me," Jack said, standing up and taking one limping step away from the couch, a familiar sight as his knees tightened up after sitting for awhile. A brief smile crossed Jack's features as he looked down at his partner. "Just tired."

"I'll bring you some aspirin after I lock up," Daniel offered.

"You don't have to come to bed." Jack began making his way towards the bedroom.

"You mind if I read in bed?"

Jack shook his head from side to side at the question.

Daniel waited until Jack went up the stairs and then gathered the mugs and went back to the kitchen. He could see his reflection in the kitchen window, hair standing up from where he'd pushed it, his mouth drawn into a straight line, even the frown line between his eyebrows. Daniel rinsed out the mugs, pouring Jack's mostly un-drunk coffee down the drain and thinking of the waste. He checked that the coffee maker was unplugged, the oven turned off, the doors locked and then he checked it all again. "Coward," he muttered aloud, looking at the steps as he passed them. But soon there was nothing else for him to do and he walked up the steps, hoping Jack would be asleep even though he wanted him to be awake.

The light on his night table was turned on, and Jack was lying on his side, facing the bathroom door, his face relaxed in sleep, and his arms wrapped around Daniel's pillow. Daniel made short work of brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed.

He stretched out on top of the comforter, pulling his pillow from Jack's arms and smiling as Jack turned over. He picked up his book, quickly finding his place and starting to read. Jack grumbled something in his sleep, turning over to his other side. Daniel placed a hand on Jack's shoulder, the feel of warm skin grounding him.

When he'd read the same page three times in a row, and realized he didn't have a clue what point the author was trying to convey, Daniel knew it was time to call it a night. He felt on the bed for the small piece of paper he'd been using as a bookmark, sighing in frustration when he couldn't find it. Daniel looked on the night table not seeing any available paper for his use. He looked over to Jack's side and spied a large white card. Holding his finger between the pages, Daniel leaned across Jack to retrieve the card. He slipped it in the book and turned off the light, telling himself he'd continue his detective work in the morning.

****

Jack couldn't find the invitation. He'd been keeping it on his night table and now this morning it was missing. He knew it had been there last night when he went to bed. He'd read it again and noted the date for the RSVP.

Beside him, Daniel sprawled on his back, his mouth open and snoring slightly in a way that made Jack know Daniel was going to wake up with a scratchy throat. Jack shook his head. It was a good thing he loved Daniel because quite frankly that snoring was enough to drive anyone who didn't insane. Jack leaned over to place a kiss on Daniel's hair figuring his partner would be in a much better mood waking up to Jack rather than the alarm. He saw the white card sticking out of Daniel's book. Stretching, Jack got the book and settled back against his pillow to pull out the card.

"Don't do that. I'll lose my place." Daniel was awake and snatching the book out of Jack's hands before Jack could finish the job.

"Geesh, give a guy a heart attack," Jack said, still eyeing the card. Damn it. There was no way he'd wanted to Daniel to find this. He should have taken care to send his regrets right away. Guess pretending the invitation didn't exist wasn't such a great way of dealing with it. He smiled as he held out his hand, but it felt fake and he knew Daniel wasn't fooled for an instant.

Daniel glanced at the edge of the card sticking out of the book before looking over at Jack. "This is what it's all about," he deduced, the words drawn out as if he was waiting for confirmation.

"It?' Jack asked. He hoped Daniel couldn't hear his heart beating.

"It, as in what's been eating you the past couple of weeks. It, as in you not being your usual smart ass self," Daniel pointed out, the words clipped and short. He pulled the card out, passing it to Jack without looking at it. "Here."

Jack took it, jamming it in his sweat pants pocket and getting out of the bed. He could feel Daniel watching him as he left the bedroom, but this was his issue to deal with. He didn't need anyone to tell him what to do. Except he really wanted an answer that didn't pull his guts apart every time he thought about making the phone call.

****

  
"Here." Jack held up the invitation as Daniel walked into the living room. He didn't look at his partner, just held the card out hoping Daniel would take it and read it and the whole mess would be over.

"It's okay. I don't need to..."

Anger welled up in Jack, an anger he recognized as irrational but there nonetheless. "You wanted to know what's going on. Well here's your chance." When Daniel sat down on the sofa next to him, Jack lowered his voice, too weary for anger. "I want you to see. Here." And he thrust the invitation in Daniel's direction, wondering if there would ever be a time when he didn't remember he once had been a father. Despite the ache, he hoped it would never happen. Daniel took the card and Jack turned his attention back to the coffee table, noticing a chip at one corner. He needed to fix that soon or it would just get bigger and big...

"Ah," Daniel said. The card appeared in the edge of Jack's vision as it was placed with precision on the table.

Ah? That was all Daniel had to say? Ah? Daniel shifted his weight on the cushions, rubbed a hand along the fabric, making a shhing sound as he did. Jack could hear the clock ticking, a neighbor starting up a lawnmower, and coffee dripping into the pot in the kitchen.

"I'm not going," Jack finally responded when the heavy silence from Daniel became too much to bear.

"Okay."

Jack wished he had a bottle in his hand, something to spin and make his hands cold so he could feel *that* and not an ache in the pit of his stomach. He'd expected Daniel to argue.

"Ryan was Charlie's best friend the year before..." Damn, he'd have thought he'd be able to talk about it without his throat starting to close up. Jack took a deep breath before continuing, "...the year before he died."

"Same grade," Daniel said, a statement rather than a question.

"They were inseparable. Played on the same baseball team, went to hockey games with me, same class." Jack picked up the invitation looking at the embossed lettering. "His mom always has stayed in touch with Sara. Invited her to special occasions and stuff. She probably got one too."

"Probably."

He hated it when Daniel was agreeable, not allowing Jack to deflect his anger. "I thought I'd send him a nice check, find a congratulation graduate card and that'll take care of things."

"You haven't called to tell them you aren't coming?" Daniel moved closer to him. He pointed to the RSVP at the bottom.

"No, I don't need...well I do, but I don't have..." Jack tossed the card back onto the table and leaned back, wiping a hand across his face.

"If you didn't want to go to the graduation, you would have called right away." Daniel had that reasonable tone Jack sometimes hated--the one that meant he knew how Jack's mind was working even before Jack did.

Jack turned his head in Daniel's direction. His partner was looking at him with a serious expression but no judgment. "Charlie should be walking across that stage," Jack finally said.

Daniel blinked a few times before saying softly, "But he's not."

"You always think you're over the hurdles," Jack said, his mouth dry, his throat tight. "They say the first year is the toughest because of all the firsts without your kid. And it was hell. But they don't tell you about all the milestones and you never forget them. It's always there in the back of your thoughts until wham, it hits you. My kid would be 13--a teenager. It's his 16th birthday--he should be learning to drive. 18--time to graduate and off to college. They don't tell you how much it can still hurt even though you think you've gotten over it."

"I've found that most times *they* don't know what the hell they're talking about," Daniel answered. He looked straight into Jack's eyes when he spoke again. "What do you *want* to do, Jack?"

"I want to see Ryan walk across that stage," he admitted, a truth he'd been afraid of. "But I don't know if I'm strong enough." Another truth, another fear.

"No one says you need to be strong all the time."

Jack looked down to see Daniel's hand covering his. He twisted his own so it was resting palm up underneath his partner's. "You..."

Daniel shook his head. "If you go, it should be you and Sara. I'll be here when you need me whatever you decide."

"I know," Jack whispered, leaning close and resting his forehead on Daniel's shoulder. It was one thing he could always count on.

  
****

  
The night sky was clear in the way that only a night in the mountains could be. Daniel threw another log on the fire and watched a few sparks float upwards. Spending the weekend in the state park had been his idea. He'd hated the thought of Jack driving all the way back to the Springs after the graduation. A hotel didn't seem like the right place to stay. Jack usually sought solace in the outdoors and a few days of fishing and hiking would help to bring them both back to center.

Daniel blew on his hands to warm them--it might be late spring but it was still cold. He wouldn't be surprised if they didn't wake up tomorrow morning with an inch or two of snow on the tent. He moved a little closer to the fire, pulling out a battered paperback of John Muir's writings. He soon became lost in the words, looking up in surprise as he heard a truck on the gravel. Headlights washed across the camp and were quickly dimmed as Jack stopped the truck and got out. Daniel put the book aside, trying to see Jack's face in the firelight and not able to get much of an impression of what had gone on.

Jack sat down next to him, reaching out a hand to rub it against Daniel's sweatshirt.

"What happened to your suit?"

"Sara let me change at her house," Jack said. He sat there, quiet and still.  
"It was nice," he added a few minutes later.

"That's good." Daniel kept his gaze on the fire knowing Jack wouldn't appreciate any curiosity at the moment.

"Ryan's a great kid. He's going to study biology. Wants to be a wildlife biologist."

"Sounds smart too," Daniel added, just to keep the conversation going, but Jack fell silent again. After all, Daniel thought, what was there to say really?

Jack poked a stick in the fire and used it to push one of the half burnt logs over. "I went to the cemetery before," he said. "It was...sometimes I just need to talk to him, you know?"

Daniel turned to face Jack, aware that his partner was looking at him, searching for understanding, searching for some sign that it was okay to still mourn the lost moments. "I know, Jack," Daniel responded. He placed his hand over Jack's.

They sat that way long into the night, until the moon was beginning to set and the fire had long since burnt itself out.

"Bed," Jack finally said, and stood up and stretched before ducking into the tent.

Daniel checked the ashes one more time and then followed, taking a moment to take off his boots and strip down to his underwear. Jack was already in their zipped together sleeping bags. He moved over as Daniel slid in.

"Hurry up. You're letting in the cold air."

"Mmmhmm," Daniel sighed. He pulled Jack closer, throwing one arm across Jack's chest, sliding his leg between Jack's. He placed a kiss on the back of Jack's neck, right at the top of his spine. Jack tasted of soap and woodsmoke. "Glad you went?"

There was a sigh before Jack answered. "Yeah." He sounded surprised at his answer. "Yeah, I am." He brought up his hand, stroking it along the length of Daniel's forearm. Jack's breathing roughened for a few moments and Daniel lay there, giving what support he could. No words could be said, only his touch could offer solace.

Daniel closed his eyes, wishing Charlie had never died, even if it meant Jack would never have been a part of Daniel's life.

"I want to start a scholarship fund in Charlie's memory," Jack said into the darkness of the tent. "Maybe for kids going into teaching or medicine. Or maybe just for any kid who needs the money and deserves a second chance."

Daniel tightened his grip on Jack. "That's a great idea."

"You think so?" Jack sounded as if he'd expected it to be met with derision.

"I think so." Daniel said. "Did you talk to Sara about it?"

Jack was silent a few moments before whispering, "No. I didn't want to bring up any more pain. I think tonight was hard enough for her as it was."

Daniel let out his breath in a huff. He tugged on Jack's shoulder, urging him to turn over. The darkness in the tent was so complete, he couldn't see Jack's features, but he knew Jack's expressions and moods so well he could be blind and still see the frown Jack was wearing, the sadness in Jack's eyes. "Sara released Charlie's soul a long time ago, Jack. It doesn't mean she loves him or misses him any less."

Jack didn't speak, but his hands gripped Daniel's shoulders tightly as he wrestled with the demons Daniel knew still haunted Jack's dreams every so often.

"I...I loved him. I still love him," Jack whispered and the words sounded like the prayer of a man in anguish. "I want him to...not be...dead. I wanted to see him walk across that stage, get his diploma."

"I know," Daniel answered, because what other words could he offer?

Jack moved closer, surrendering fully into his lover's embrace and they lay in the tent, listening to the soft sigh of wind through the pines and aspens, allowing the night to absorb the pain of loss. Daniel wished he knew something to say. His touch, his warmth, his love, would have to do what his words could not this night. Morning would come and Jack would wake, and the world would go on despite all those they had loved and lost. And in the sunlight, Jack would smile again. Daniel would make sure of it.

  



End file.
